Whole New World
by Little Miss Wicked
Summary: Harper Embry is a new student at Degrassi. She comes with a lot of problems and hopes to start over. Can Adam, who has a problems and a past of his own, help her do that? Please Review! It means a lot!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is my first story so try not to be too brutal on the reviews. Although criticism would be great. Also, if someone could just tell me what a beta reader is, either by private message or in the reviews, that would rock. And feel free to say that this is god-awful and I should stop writing immediately. Thanks for even reading this

-Little Miss Wicked ;~)

_**Harper's P.O.V.**_

Monday

Walking into my new school, I braced myself. Degrassi was a small school, but somehow I knew that news traveled fast there. A couple of girls in cheerleading uniforms were hanging in the door way. They all seemed to look up to one girl with bright blonde hair. She was practically clinging to a guy wearing a knit hat and carrying a skate board. They were those kind of people that think the world revolves around them. It was obvious to me. Not too long ago, I was like them.

I kept walking, heading straight down the hall. My eyes stayed on the floor most of the time. I was late and it as nearly time for 4th period. The halls were packed with students who'd been let out early. No one spoke to me until I got to my locker. "Hi, I'm Clare Edwards. You must be Harper Embry? I have the locker next to yours."

"Uh, yeah. Hi. "

Clare was grinning like a nut job. She had short wavy hair and pale skin. A dark, Indian girl stood next to her, absorbed with her cell phone. "Nice to meet you. This is Alli, my best friend."

Alli raised her hand in a limp wave. I nodded at Alli and Clare offered a weak smile as Alli turned back to her phone. But seconds later, her eyes shot up, gazing past my shoulders. A boy was waving at her, holding a cell phone in his other hand. Alli smiled. "Bye, Clare! Nice meeting you, Harper." she cried before rushing towards him.

I looked at Clare, who was staring in another direction. I turned and saw a boy with black hair, black jeans and black everything walking towards us, followed by another boy in relatively plain, normal clothes. "Hey, Clare." he smirked.

"Eli. How's your English assignment coming?"

"Fine. Who's your friend?" he asked, finally noticing me. His eyes were so green, I couldn't stop staring at them.

"Hi, I'm Harper. Eli, right? And you are-?" I asked the other guy. His head shot up when he realized I was talking to him. He had a sweet-looking, round face. There was something different about him. I just couldn't place it.

"I'm Adam." he said, his gaze dropping back to the floor.

Clare looked to Eli, who just shrugged his shoulders. "Uh, Adam's kinda new, too. Maybe he could show you around. Okay? Well, come on, Clare, we have to see Dawes before homeroom."

"So, what's your first class?" I ask Adam, hoping to spark up some form of conversation.

"Art. Room 102."

"Me too! Do you have 4th period lunch or 5th? I have 5th."

"5th. So do Clare and Eli." he replied much friendlier than before. "You should sit with us. So then I won't have to be the third wheel anymore."

"Sure. That'll be fun. I really hated my old school. The people weren't so…nice." I say, silently adding "myself included". I wish I could be honest, but I want Adam to like me. I want everyone to like me. It's one of my biggest flaws.

"Oh. Well, we should get going to art." he offered.

"Okay. Lead the way, captain."


	2. Chapter 2

Art

Adam and I were sitting together at one of the 2 person tables. The teacher, whose name I've already forgot, was pretty hands-off. She just gave us the day's assignment, which was making clay pitchers in pairs, and walked around in case anyone needed help. I was pouring water into a pot to moisten our clay, while Adam pried the plastic wrapper off the sticky, dry clay.

Standing there, next to each other, I realized how much taller I am than him. It didn't bother me; I just hate being 5'10. It was cool in 8th grade, when I got to be the last person to walk at graduation. But now it sucks because no boy wants to date a girl taller than him. He was also very short, for a boy. _Maybe we're soul mates_, I think fleetingly.

"So, I get to keep the pitcher because I'm the girl, right?" I asked, half-teasing. Adam smiled. He had a nice smile, perfectly straight with white teeth. I wondered if it was the "I had braces for 5 years smile" or the natural kind that only a lucky few had. My teeth were white and straight enough that I didn't need braces, but his were perfect.

"Are you enforcing sexism in art class, Miss Embry?" he joked. "That's highly inappropriate."

"No, not at all. I just want a pitcher to serve you lemonade when I'm barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Is that okay?" I replied. He laughed, kind of uneasily. Not every one likes my sense of humor. I changed the subject. "What grade are you in?"

"10th. My stepbrother, Drew, is in 11th. And you're a-?"

"Sophomore, too. Did you know that the word 'sophomore' is a huge oxymoron? It comes from the Greek 'sophos', meaning wise, and 'moros' meaning foolish." I ramble.

" Wow, that's actually kinda cool. Do you have 5th lunch?" I nodded. "Oh, well you should sit with us. 'Us' being me, Clare and Eli. Save me from being the 3rd wheel, for once."

"Sure. So there _is_ something going on with Eli and Clare! I knew they were too awkward to just be friends."

Adam snickered. "Not exactly. _They_ barely know they're more than friends. It's really annoying. They need to take the next step already."

"Oh give them time! Why rush? Besides, it's like they're TV characters or something this way."

"Yes, because we should all live our lives like a TV show." he sing-songed.

I laughed at his tone; he sounded like my hysterical grandmother. I watched as he plunged the clay slab into the water. Before I even thought about it, I grabbed his sleeve and pulled it up so it wouldn't get wet. Then I caught a look at his arm. Long, shiny burn marks spanned from his wrist to his elbow. Adam slowly looked up, making me realize I was still holding his arm.

I gently let go and he whipped it away. "Er, sorry." I stammered, barely intelligibly. I bit my lip when I saw Adam's face. He looked terrified. I started to open my mouth, but the bell rang. Everyone grabbed their things and left, with the teacher calling, "We'll finish tomorrow."

Adam grabbed his bag and ran away, pausing at the door to look at me. I should've followed, but I didn't. I guess Old Harper is still alive and well. Old, selfish, mean, and petty Harper.


	3. Chapter 3

Please review! I'd really appreciate it! Special thanks to Madame Crazies for reviewing and telling me what a Beta Reader is! ;~)

Lunch

I slowly walked into the cafeteria. Clare and Eli weren't there and I didn't recognize anyone from my classes, so I went outside. Before all that awkwardness, Adam had mentioned students could eat lunch on the steps but no one did. This was all so different from Englewood. People would kill to eat outside there.

As I tried to find the front door, I thought about Adam. There was always the off chance that those burns were all accidents. Maybe he was a Boy Scout or something. But the possibility they were on purpose was even bigger. And if they were, didn't I have a responsibility to tell someone? Who would I even tell? All of the sudden, I heard someone calling my name.

"Harper! Harper!" they called. I turned around to see Clare standing a little bit further down the hall. I stopped walking and she came skittering up.

"Hi. Um, Adam told me what happened in art." she admitted. "He wants me to…set you straight."

"How so? Are you trying to tell me I imagined those burn marks? I'm seriously considering telling the guidance counselor or Simpson or whatever."

"No, Ms. Suave-that's the guidance counselor-already knows. Adam's seeing her once a week." Clare sighed. "He doesn't do that anymore. He just doesn't want you to think he's a freak."

"Oh. Is he, uh, mad at me?"

"No. Actually, I think he may be embarrassed. For running off after you saw the marks. I don't think he's used to opening up to people."

"Okay. Do you know where he is?" I asked. "I'd like to talk to him."

"He and Eli are at the picnic table where we eat lunch." she replied. "It's just through those doors."

I looked to where Clare was gesturing. Right where I'd paced by a hundred times, was a metal push door with an exit sign above it. I truly am a genius. I waved to Clare and headed out. Just a bit away from the building was a normal wooden table with attached benches. Adam is hunched over with his back to me; both he and Eli have magazines or something.

"Hey." Eli greets me, nodding at Adam. When Adam doesn't acknowledge this, Eli decides it's time to lie. "Oh, darn. I just remembered Clare and I have an English project to finish. We'll do this later, man."

He grabs his bags and leaves, giving Adam one of those weird shoulder-smack things that guys always do. Once he's gone I take his seat on the bench. Adam slowly lifts his head. "So, uh-"

I cut him off. "I really don't think you're a freak. Really. I was hoping we could be friends." This feels so weird to say. Everyone I knew back in Englewood would die laughing if they heard Harper Embry, the resident bitch, say this. "And I'm not gonna tell anyone. That'd be cruel. I'm not like that." Silently I add "anymore". I'm lying so much now. But I want him to like me.

"The burning's just half of it. I really don't think you'd want to be friends if you knew the rest. A lot of people can't accept it, and you would be picked on just for being around me."

"Adam, I used to care about what everyone thought of me and that didn't work too well. I also underestimated how much what I thought and said about people mattered to them. So I'm going to try something new called 'not judging and not caring if others judge me'. Okay?"

"Uh, yeah. That's really cool of you. We should get going. Lunch is nearly over." We both stood up. "But, uh, Eli, Clare are having a movie night on Friday and you could come. If you wanted to."

Was that an invitation? "Sure. I'd like to. We can talk about details later."

When I entered the building, I saw Clare and Eli sitting at a bench. Clare raised her eyebrow expectantly. I nodded back and she smiled. Eli spun around and looked at both of us shaking his head. Clare and I both rolled our eyes.

As I headed to my next class, Calc 1, I realized that for the first time in God knows how long, I had actual friends! Not just people who I hung out with because we were equally popular. They were always more competition then friends. Sure, I'd just met them, and I didn't even know if I even had any classes with them, but they had already been nice to me. Adam's inviting me to movie night and Clare and I are rolling our eyes in unison and I never knew real friends could be this good. But that little voice inside my head just keeps reminding me that if they'd known me, in California and Arizona and Utah, they wouldn't even speak to me. I know I've changed, but there's just this one saying that keeps tumbling over in my head: _You can't teach an old dog new tricks._


	4. Chapter 4

Friday

After school

The rest of the week was a total blur. It was different from my last school, in California. I was popular there. Here, I'm kind of an outcast, but so are Adam, Clare and Eli. We aren't outcasts to each other.

"Hey, Harper." a guy calls from down the hall. When he gets closer I see it's Eli, with Clare and Adam in tow. I'm sitting on the floor in front of my locker. Well, Adam's locker. This annoying couple makes out on my locker every morning so I got him to let me keep some stuff in there. He's really great.

"Hey. What's up?"

Eli frowns. "Bad news. Movie night's off. My parents are 'entertaining'." he air-quotes. "Sorry, guys."

"It's not your fault, man." Adam pats him on the shoulder. Ugh, there it is again: that weird shoulder tap thing. What is the point of them doing that? Clare and I don't feel the need to pat each other every ten seconds. Whatever.

Adam and Clare are assuring Eli it's not his fault when it hits me. "Wait, my Dad's out of town this weekend! Movie night can happen!"

"Seriously? That's great! I wish my parents left town more often." Adam laughs.

_No you don't_, I think sullenly. But I don't want to say anything and risk ruining my friendship. So I fake it. "Yeah, it's great. I have freedom, like, all the time." I reply. I just met them, they don't need to know that my mom's been on a business trip that keeps getting extended since 8th grade. Or that my dad still practically lives in California. That's where he is now. He helped me move in on Saturday, got back on the plane Monday afternoon, and supposedly he'll be back on Halloween., for my birthday. But he's said that before.

"Cool. We'll be there at 8." Clare smiles. "C'mon Eli, we have to work on our _English project. _See you later, guys!"

With that she and Eli are off. It's so obvious those two practically love each other. If they aren't going to work on that 'English project', they're cutting class and sitting in Eli's hearse.

Adam and I stand there awkwardly for a few more minutes. He's been weird all week and I'm still pissed from thinking about my parents. I can't tell if he hates me or if we're gonna be great friends. "So, wanna go to the Dot?"

I want to say yes. I want to want to say yes. I want to go to the Dot, and have a great time. I really want all of this. But a part of me knows that if I go, and we do end up having fun, he'll just be cold to me the next day.

" No. I have things to do." My tone is so icy it even scares me a little.

His face drops. It kills me. "Oh. Cool. I'll, uh, see you tonight." he stammers. "Bye, Harper."

I can't even bring myself to respond. I feel like I can't breathe. Not only did I just hurt his feelings, just like the Old Harper would, I realized something very shocking: I like Adam Torres. I sit and soak in this revelation, until it hits me that maybe, just maybe, he could like me, too.

It's 7:15. Adam, Eli, and Clare will be here soon. I'm nervous. I've never been too good at keeping the few friends I've ever made. I should probably go and put the soda and popcorn I got out, but I'm so immersed in my year book from Englewood.

There's a million pictures of me in there. I'm always surrounded by tons of people, grinning and making silly faces, but I always look slightly less happy than they are. I flip to my freshman cheerleading picture. I'm at the top of a 4-layer pyramid. I'm the one on the top, but somehow I'm still looking up to everyone else. Watching them, to see how to react and be cool; that was all that mattered then. Being cool.

I slam the book shut. It's starting to freak me out. Every single thing reminds me of the Old Harper and the more I think about it, the more I question changing. But then I remember Adam, and any thought of going pack to popular, mean, and petty

Harper, fade away.

Hey!

So I know this chapter was probably pretty sucky and feel free to say so in the reviews, but I just needed to get something in because I'm not sure when I'll be able to upload stuff again because I'm going to Canada for a funeral at some point in the next week. So that's it. _**Please review and feel free to say it sucks and I should stop and never write anything else**_.

- Little Miss Wicked


	5. Chapter 5

**It's nearly time for them to be here. I finally moved away from the yearbook and got out food or whatever. It's been so long since I had a semi-social gathering, much less one where we don't all drink copious amounts of alcohol and ultimately lose some of our innocence, not that any of us had much to begin with. Degrassi is so different. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. I feel so on-edge. My heart is racing and I've got a pounding headache. And it's all because of him. Adam. **

_**Ding! **_

There goes the door bell. I go to stand by the door, checking to make sure the apartment isn't at all messy. Everything looks relatively normal and lived-in, not at all like one person has been living here by themselves for less than a week and has yet to even unpack their clothes. Which is good. I don't want anyone to know that my parents ditched me because their marriage wasn't working. Shaking all thoughts of my irrevocably screwed up family out of my head, I look through the peep hole of my door. I see Adam, but no Eli or Clare.

I inhale deeply a few times and swing open the door. "Hey. Where're Clare and Eli? I thought you were all driving together…"

" Drew dropped me off. Eli said he and Clare have an English thing. Again." he sighs. "Usually, that means they're sitting in Eli's car being all lovey-dovey."

"Did you seriously just say "lovey dovey"?" I add a small laugh when I realize how harsh my tone is. I didn't mean it that way. With my luck, he probably thinks I'm implying he's gay. 

An awkward silence envelopes us. "So, wanna start the movie?" he asks feebly, shrugging. "They may come later. We could wait."

"No, let's start it. I'm just gonna get more scared the longer we wait." I love scary movies, but they terrify me. When I was 12, I saw _The Ring _and decided that because I had long, black hair and we lived on a farm like Samara that I was gonna become evil, too, so I made my mom cut my hair up to my ears. 

Adam puts the DVD in the player and loads the main menu. He sits down on one end of the couch and I sit on the other. It's dead quiet, besides the previews playing. This dangerous for me. I don't like quiet; it puts me off balance. But I can't do anything about it. If I open my mouth to break the silence, I'll inadvertently confess my feelings for him. Chances are he won't return them.

But I can't stand it. "Did Eli say when they'd be here?"

Adam sighs. "No. Uh, Harper, look, I get the fact that you don't want to be around me, so I'll save us some trouble and just leave." 

He lunges up and is nearly at the door when the jolt of what he just said hits me. "Wait!" I leap up.

He turns slowly. "What? It's fine, really. A lot of people don't want to be known as friends of Degrassi's resident freak."

"Adam, I want to be friends! Believe me I do." Silently, I add 'and maybe a little more'. But he doesn't need to hear that. "Adam, I thought you hated me all week. Honestly. I don't see why you're the freak of Degrassi either."

"You have to be kidding. How have you not heard?" he gapes. "Everyone talks about it."

"I don't listen to gossip." I spread it. Or at least I used to. 

"Harper, I'm an FTM. I was born in a girl's body, as Gracie, not Adam, Torres. But I'm a guy." he blurts. I don't understand at first. Not the basic idea of what he's saying; I understand that. But that I didn't notice anything. The baggy clothes, the round, cute face and slim body, the burning… The burning!

"Oh my god. That's why you burn yourself…" This is all so much. I'm shocked by that revelation. I can't believe that Adam Torres, is a girl. 

"Yeah, so I thought you'd be like this. I'm gonna go." he turns on his heel, mistaking my shock for disgust. It's now or never. 

As he turns the door handle, every memory as Old Harper flashes by. All of that time spent caring about what everyone thought of me, could've been spent living life. I can't go back and change the past, but I can make the future count. My future. The one I want to share with Adam. I spring forward, planting my hand on his shoulder. He turns around, and before he can say anything I tip forward. So does he. And somewhere in the middle, our lips meet. For those few moments, there's no Old Harper for me and I hope there's no Gracie for him, because now, it's time to live in the present. 

Thanks for reading! It may suck epically. Please R&R.

~Little Miss Wicked


	6. Chapter 7

Author's note

I have a few things to bring up before I add the next chapter. I feel bad making a whole little note for it but I have some questions for readers and I'd also like some suggestions on how I should continue the rest of the story.

Questions:

1. Okay, well I noticed that in a lot of AdamxOC stories, the OC is usually some fearless Goth girl, who doesn't hesitate to stand by Adam's side. I don't mean that those aren't good, but I wanted to do something different. Let Adam be the more courageous one in their relationship for once. I mean nothing against the stories where the OC is like that(I quite like Aligiah's Anni Fletcher character in You Talkin' To Me?), so please don't take offense. But I wanted to make Harper different. Thought on this?

2. Did my last chapter suck badly? Feel free to say so.

3. I never really described Harper physically, aside from her being tall. Should I?

4. I think that I may add an Eli/Harper _**friendship.**_ Because Eli feels he isn't good enough for Clare and Harper is the same way about Adam, so they have something in common.

Okay. That's about it. I really appreciate feedback.


	7. Chapter 8

Okay, this is my edit of right after the kiss. The other one was really bad. Also, sorry that chapter 5 was bold and underlined the whole way through I have no idea how that happened. The second half, after the little dotted line is the flashback, to Old Harper. Please R&R.

Finally, we break away. I put my hand over my mouth. Adam's face is red and I'm sure mine is too. I don't know what happens now; what that kiss will mean later.

He opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it again. "Uh. I'm gonna go. I'll see you Monday."

He turns and walks away. He closes the door behind him, leaving me alone. _He walked away._

I can't breathe. It's like a weight is crushing against my chest, as a lump grows in my throat. I want to scream and cry and just sit down and give up. Give up on him, give up on being nice, give up on having friends. Rejection isn't worth it. I choke back tears; I won't let him make me cry. I won't. Old Harper wouldn't.

Every time I think about last year, about Englewood, I feel sick. Sick of me. But every thing that happened, feels like it was yesterday. I remember the day I became a manipulative bitch too perfectly.

_**Last October**_

_**Englewood Academy **_

_It was my birthday._

_I was sitting in the cafeteria after school, waiting for my mom to come pick me up. It was an hour after classes had ended. I thought she might not be coming, but she promised she would. She wouldn't miss my birthday; her stupid book tour wasn't worth it. But as the clock ticked on and more and more students left, I became resigned to it. I pulled my cell from my bag, dialing her number. _

_It rang over 20 times, each ring more grating than the last. Just when I was about to hang up, she answered. _

"_Mom? Aren't you picking me up?" I could hear loud music and the clinking of glasses in the background. Voices laughed and called out._

"_Oh, Harper! Hi, sweetie! No, I'm not. There was a change in plans." she giggled. _

"_What? What does "a change in plans" mean?" I fumed. My mom had to be the world's biggest flake._

"_I'm staying here. Venice is so pretty this time of year and I was going to see if James wanted to join me. I'd invite you and your father but you've got school and he's got work…" _

"…_And you've got the guy your cheating on him with." I mumbled. Both of my parents knew their marriage was completely shredded and I had no doubt they both had flings on the side. But they couldn't say they were getting divorced; it just wasn't the Embry family way of doing things. Feelings were overrated._

"_Anyway, Harp, don't worry. I'll be home for your birthday next week. Fourteen's a big one." Mom assured me. "But I've got to go. We're doing a read through of the sequel to 'Learning to Learn to Live'. It's very exciting. Ciao. Tell your father I said hello."_

_I was so angry. She had just completely blown me off. They weren't doing a read through for her stupid self-help book; she was in a bar! _

"_But mom- " I started, but was interrupted by a tiny click. My own mother just hang up on me._

_Blood and adrenaline were pumping through my veins. I had half a mind to call her back and give her a piece of my mind for once, instead of just backing down. How many times since school started had I waited for her or dad, only to never have them show up? Dozens. I always backed down; it was time to change._

_I stormed down the hall. Hopefully, Chad Wilbur would still be here. Chad was an old friend of my brother, James. He was also a senior and the most popular boy in the whole school. He could get me somewhere. _

_I headed through the central hall and out the back door. A group of seniors were milling around, smoking cigarettes among other things. Chad was one of them._

"_Chad! Hey!" I called, suddenly amazed at my gall. When he used to come over and play video games with James in our basement, I was like a mouse: always watching from a distance, and terrified of being noticed. Not anymore. Backing down was a thing of my past._

"_Harper Embry. Long time, no see." he drawled lazily. Chad had one of those annoying, half-stoner, half-southerner voices. But he was hot enough to get away with it._

"_Yeah. So I was wondering if you wanted to give me a ride home. For old times sake." I suggested. "It'll be worth it. Believe me." I felt so infinite. All of the boys were intrigued and all of the girls were glaring at me. It was worth it. _

"_Well, of course I will, what with you being James's little sister. How old are you now?" he looked me up and down._

_I smiled slowly, that little flirty grin that I'd spent weeks working on in the mirror. "14. Today."_

_Chad mirrored my expression, but with more poise and confidence. "Really? We'll have to celebrate. Why don't you come over and we can have a little get together?"_

_The girls' glares intensified. I knew what they were thinking: Who does this little freshman shit think she is? But I knew they were also dying to come to the 'little' get together. Chad's were famous. "Oh, well I can't say no. you're such a good friend of James's. I would hate to be rude." _

"_Then it's settled. My house, 5:15." he proclaimed. The boys grunted in agreement and the girls twittered excitedly. "To my house we'll go. C'mon, Harper."_

_He beckoned me to his dark green SUV. That thing was bigger than our house in Montana, back before mom sold the book and dad became a partner. I cringed thinking about all of the gas it guzzled. But I'd have to get over that. Life in the fast lane of Englewood took a lot. And I was open to sacrifices. _

That was okay : /. Better than the chapter I removed. I wasn't sure how flash backs usually are, but I gave it my shot. Please R&R!


	8. Chapter 9

_**1 month later**_

_**November**_

"_Harp? You in there?" a voice called. It was probably Chad; he'd taken to calling me 'Harp' just like he called James 'Jim'. It was actually quite annoying. But I couldn't tell him that._

_I was sitting in the girl's bathroom, cutting French 2. Chad had been getting on my nerves lately, so I stayed quiet. A little part of me wondered what would happen if he came in to look and found me ignoring him. I'd probably go back to being the naïve, little freshman shit I was a month ago. But it didn't matter._

_The past month had been full of parties, booze, and more hard work than I could ever imagine. It was hard to be a freshman in a group of seniors, much less popular ones. I tried hard, and it paid off. After weeks of reeducating myself on trends, ignoring everyone that reeked of loserdom, shortening all of my uniform skirts, and talking back to teachers, I was only halfway to the top, but it was a start. _

_He gave up and left. I stayed there for the rest of the period. And the one after that. As classes changed, people moved in and out of the bathroom. But no one talked to me or threatened to report me for skipping. That wasn't the way things went at Englewood. It was everyone for themselves, but no one against anyone else. I could tell what they were all thinking: Why bother with the girl up sitting on the drain pipe when I can try out this new mascara and smoke a cigarette before Bio? I was like that too._

_But my solitude ended soon enough. The door slammed open and soft steps could be heard against the hard wood floor. It was Madeline McDonnell. _

_Madeline was the school bitch, as she had been since her freshman year. No one bothered to try and usurp her from her throne; it was pointless. She was hated all around, but admired, too. She also dated Chad, on and off. I hated her for it._

"_Why, hello, Harp!" she spat. The way she used my special nickname, the one Chad gave me, stung. So what if I hated it? It wasn't hers to use._

"_Hey there, Maddie!" I mimicked her tone. "How're you doing? I heard about the break-up. Tough."_

"_Oh, really? You shouldn't believe every thing you hear. We're oh so very happy together. Just like how your mom and dad used to be. How's the self help book coming, by the way?"_

_I couldn't believe she brought my parents into this. If she wanted to go hard, I'd go harder. "Oh fine. You should have your shrink do a read through. If he has time. I know you're a very demanding case."_

"_Ha-ha. That stung so much; I think I may cry." she rolled her eyes. "Oh, wait. I'm not 5. Try a little harder, Harp." she spun around and stomped out of the bathroom, her stupid little Uggs brushing the floor. It was 90 degrees outside, why was she wearing those ugly boots?_

_I took a look at myself in the mirror. My shoulder length black hair was straight and glossy, as apposed to the messy, curly way it was naturally. My eyebrows were plucked into perfect arches and my skin was healthy looking. I no longer wore those big clunky Converse with the striped knee socks, opting instead for black flats. Just like Madeline wore. I had came a long way, but I still was no Madeline McDonnell. But I would change that. I had to._

_I grabbed my back pack off the ground and followed her. She was turning the corner just as I exited the bathroom. She was probably headed out to the courtyard, for free period. I picked up speed. I was going to tell her off in front of everyone. Mention her father's drinking problem or that little infection she got this summer, the one I heard the other seniors comforting her about in the bathroom just this morning. But I had to get there soon. So I started running._

_My bag was falling and my stupid flats were hard to run in, but I kept going. She was about to walk through the back exit. I had almost gotten there when a familiar voice called out to me._

"_Harp! There you are!" It was Chad. I stopped dead in my tracks. So did Madeline as she heard him come jogging up to me. "I've been looking all over for you."_

"_Really? I've been looking for you!" I lied. Madeline's eyes narrowed. _

"_Huh. Why?" he grinned. I winked back as Madeline's eyes narrowed even more. More than should be humanly possible._

"_Oh, I just wanted to do this." I leaned forward and kissed him. I just meant it as a lips-only one, but he pushed his tongue into my mouth. I was shocked. But then again, he didn't know I was just trying to piss Madeline off. I don't think he would take to kindly if he knew. I was trying to pull away when Madeline screamed "Chad!" in that shrill little voice of hers._

_He whipped his mouth off of mine and turned to her. "We broke up, Madeline. Remember?"_

_Her jaw dropped. I took the pause as a chance to wipe my mouth off. But when I lifted up my hand, Chad grabbed it and pulled me out the door. As I passed Madeline, I murmured ever so quietly "Take that, bitch", while grinning my stupid little grin. That was the last day from my time at Englewood that I was genuinely happy._

_From then on, I was just mean. _

_Okay, please R&R. There's going to be one more flash back after this one, which will probably be in the chapter after next. This one was also pretty bad. _


	9. Chapter 10

Sunday

It's been 2 days since I kissed Adam. He's called 7 times, and left 5 messages. I ignored all of them. Clare's called on his behalf twice and soon he'll probably get Eli to.

All day Saturday was spent wallowing in self pity, looking through old year books, and Facebook stalking old classmates. I'll probably end up skipping Monday and maybe Tuesday if it comes to that. Which it probably will.

I feel so stupid. Clearly, I misread the signs. Although, the more I think about it, I do kinda remember hearing people make snide comments towards Adam. And that frizzy haired girl, Bianca, called him a tranny last week. So now I'm not just a moron for kissing Adam, I'm also a moron for not seeing that he's a girl.

If this was another girl, not me, and this was Englewood, not Degrassi, I'd probably think it was hilarious that _she_ was the one who got rejected. I would tell everyone. Laugh at her misery with Chad.

Chad. Stupid, sweet Chad. That month and a half we dated was complete hell. I don't comprehend why Madeline was with him for as long as she was. He was a total moron, a bad kisser, and about as comical as cancer. But he was sweet, in that dopey, puppy-dog way. I just kept up the charade long enough to secure my spot at the top of the social ladder. That was necessary at the time.

I used to know, plain and simple, that that was who I was and where I belonged. I was meant for the top and everything that came with it. The drama, the hurt, the stress; I thought I was destined for it. I still did before last week. Clare, Eli and Adam, they're misfits, but at least they like themselves. That's more than I can say. I guess seeing Madeline after I dethroned her should have been a warning. But I didn't want to listen.

Late afternoon Sunday

I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, there were 6 messages on my machine. 4 from Adam, 1 from Clare, and 1 from…my mother.

Seeing her name on the caller I.D. infuriated me. We hadn't spoken since last January and she just calls me up out of the blue? There had to be some major crap going down. I listened to Adam's and Clare's first. They were the norm, so I barely listened. But then there was mom's. I sat down on the couch and braced myself for more of her flakiness.

"_You've reached the Embry's residence. Please leave a message after the beep." _

I recognized James and my own voices, from when we were 7. That was just like my parents: keep the child-made recording so we seem like a happy family. Such bullshit.

BEEP_. "Harper, this is Danielle." _Since when was mom 'Danielle' to me? _"Because of recent events, I won't be home for Christmas this year. But James will. Sweetie, don't tell daddy, but Jamie's in trouble at school. He's going to, er, rehab. I did not expect this and I'm sure they're lying but I can't deal with it. This book deal is about to go through and, ah, family life is so tiring. I had my assistant put some money in the account for you and some for Jamie. Maybe you could get some new shoes to go with the uniform? I should attend one of those Englewood fundraisers…. Well, ciao. Call me."_

Of course mom wouldn't admit to James's problems. Despite the fact he had two strikes against him and had gotten caught by dad on 3 different occasions with empty bottles, mom still insisted her 'Jamie' could do no wrong. She should have seen this coming.

And Englewood? Did she seriously just say I went to Englewood? I can't believe that. I bet she knows where James is going, even if only because he's in trouble. Either she was too busy with her new life to remember or dad was too busy with his to even tell her. It makes me sick.

Looking around the apartment at all of the half unpacked shit, most of which was mom's, I felt suffocated. The walls were closing in. Everywhere I turned there was something else. James's old desk lamp, the coffee cup with the turtle that I made for Father's day in 1st grade, Mom's stupid books… Mom's books. Why were they here? She certainly wasn't.

I jumped off the couch and grabbed a knife from the kitchen. Flipping to the trademark page, I sliced a thin line up the side. Right along the binding. Then the next one. And the next one and the one after that. Pages and pages and pages. It was hard to cut them evenly and every time I made a perfect, straight cut, I felt victorious.

Chapters passed. Soon came the end of the actual book, then the acknowledgements. I wasn't mentioned there; neither were James and Dad. Mom had a new life, full of people who clung to her like the pathetic parasites they were. They were the people she wanted to remember.

Then came the index and that stupid little page stating what font the book was in. Which was Basic Standard, but I didn't need the index to know that. Mom used that for everything because it was the same one Harper Lee used in the first edition of To Kill A Mockingbird. She had a strange obsession with all things Harper Lee, even going as far to name me after her, stemming from her days as a Literature and Creative Writing major. But she couldn't write _real_ books, just stupid self help ones.

Finally, there was no more pages left to cut out. Just the front and back cover, with little bits of thread left over from where I'd ripped off the binding. I was about to go and grab a trash bag when I noticed the picture on the back cover. _Pictures_, to be exact. It was all of these shots of me and James and Mom and Dad being the happy little family we used to be. The family she couldn't face anymore.

I was just like her; a runner. I ran from the real me, I ran from Englewood, I ran from Adam.

Adam.

I forgot about him. Grabbing my cell phone as I get dressed and run a brush through my impossibly tangled hair, I text Adam.

**I'm an idiot. Meet me at the Dot in 20 minutes.**

I don't bother to see if he responds because something tells me he will. He's stronger than I'll ever be. But if he doesn't, it matters still. Even if he doesn't have the feelings for me that I almost think I have for him, I want to be friends with him. At least.


	10. Chapter 11

Might be bad. Read at your own risk.

I'm a block from the Dot. I've been a block from the Dot for at least 10 minutes. It's past the time I was supposed to meet him by at least 10 minutes. He probably thinks I ditched him. I don't want him to hate me. "Suck it up, Harper." I mumble, before pushing past my fear. I speed walk the rest of the way, faster than I've moved since that day with Maddie. I haven't been this motivated in a long time.

The Dot is packed. In the short time I've been here, it's become obvious that all anyone does is go to the Dot. They should make it a class. I pull open the door and head in, despite the screams of Old Harper. Old Harper would never apologize or set things right; she'd just run.

Adam is sitting at a table in the back. I head over there. He doesn't see me, he's totally involved in reading something. Probably a comic book. That's almost all he and Eli ever do.

I sit down at the table. "Hi." I smile hesitantly. It's an embarrassed smile. An "oh wow, you must think I'm a creep for kissing you" smile.

His head shoots up so fast I think he must get whiplash. "Um, hey. Did you, uh, get my messages?" he asks.

I would laugh, if it wasn't so awkward. "Uh, yeah. Dude, there were 9 of them."

He flushes. "Well, you kissed me." he says, with a sort of triumphant tone. Like I'm weirder for that. Which I probably am.

Now I actually do laugh. "Okay, can we forget that? It's different in California." I lie not-so smoothly. Let Adam think that people kiss every one within 5 feet of them in California. Better than thinking I like him. Which I do, but that's none of his business. "We just do that. To everyone."

His face contorts into a look of utter disbelief. "Harper, I don't think I can just forget it. I'm pretty sure that that's more contact than Eli and Clare will ever have." he laughs dryly.

_We are not fricking Eli and Clare! _I want to scream, but there's no point. I get what he means: Clare and Eli are _that_ couple. The example couple among sophomores. That couple that everyone else is compared to. Chad and I were _that _couple, just in a different way. Clare and Eli actually like each other; we just looked cool.

I sigh. I can't deal with this; talking isn't one of my strong suits. "Adam, just…please. This is my free pass. We all get passes, like homework passes. You get one and I get one, and this is mine. So deal with it." I snap.

He looks slightly hurt and a little part of me knows that I've gone to far down the path of bitchiness again, but I'll try to restrain myself. For him. He nods. "Okay. For now. But, Harper, we can't just push it aside. We can't run from it. It'll catch us eventually."

Then it hits me. The one time I tried to not run, and face my fear, I just created another problem to run from. I inhale deeply and my lungs shudder a bit. I know what I have to do. "No, we can talk about it now. I'm ready. I'm done hiding." I take a breath. "Adam, I …"

_Author's note_

_Hey my readers! I'm sorry I haven't updated in FOREVER! I've been busy with school and stuff….8th__ grade sucks _:=(. _But I'm gonna try and update every day or two. And for anyone who reviewed that I didn't reply to, I'm so sorry! My computer is very persnickety and it shuts down every time I try and send any message, including Instant Messages, emails, and FanFic messages. But I'll try and respond whenever I can. So please read and review!_

_**special thanks to Aligiah, dancingteen7, bookluver18,DegrassiFan894332, degrassifan13, declanl0ver13, adamtorresismyidol, Fnickissuperman, and Madame Crazies for reviewing in the past! I hope you're still reading!**_


	11. Chapter 12

Takes up right after "Adam, I…"

"…was an entirely different person last year. I was mean, and snotty, and catty, and curt, and backstabbing. I manipulated everyone around me and dropped them the second I got what I wanted. I did so many things to get to the top. So many things I regret now. Like-" I bite my tongue. I almost said too much. Telling Adam the gist of my Year of Bitchiness is enough; he doesn't need any particular examples.

"Like what?" he asks. I shake my head. No. "C'mon. You just said you need to stop hiding. Please, don't hide with me."

"Adam, I…just can't. Not here, not now. Not ever. Never." I bite my tongue. "God, this was a mistake. I'm sorry I wasted your time."

I grab my coat off the back of my chair and stand up. I rush to the door, practically barreling into a busboy. I keep moving once I'm out, down the street. Towards Capwell Park.

I know that parks aren't exactly the safest place at almost-night, but whatever. I always went to the park back home when I was younger. The monkey bars were my favorite. I'd go straight for them when ever we went. In Utah. Back when Mom and Dad loved each other, James didn't know what beer was, much less what it was like to guzzle 6 cans of it, and I was nice, with lots of friends. How I miss those days. 

I'm at the monkey bars now. Dark blue metal, with little metal rivets. Just normal monkey bars. I walk up to the side and grab on. It's easier in some ways now, but harder in others. I'm 5'10 now, so my forehead is grazing the top of the bars. That means I don't have to jump up to get my hold; however, it does make hooking my legs on to the bars more difficult. With a bit of struggling, I manage to hang by my knees. 

The rush of blood to my head is relaxing. Numbing, in a way. I'm just starting to mentally dissect the Adam situation when I here someone call out to me. "Harper?"

That someone happens to be Adam.

"What were you thinking, running off like that? You asked to meet me… Why are you hanging upside down?" he raises an eyebrow.

"It….makes me calm. Like, I can just forget all of my problems. The blood rush makes you dizzy, but it gets better after a while." I'm scrambling for words. Words to tell Adam I'm sorry. Words to explain my past. Words to justify me kissing him. But they're just not there.

"And what problems would those be?" he asks. I shake my head. If I couldn't say it ten minutes ago, I can't say it now. "Harper, everyone has secrets. Stuff they aren't proud of; stuff they want to leave behind. You know what mine are. Can't I know yours?" 

I pull up into a sitting position on the bars. It's weird laying and talking to someone like that. I feel like a weird, Canada-dwelling, Spiderman. I can see Adam's pale, blue eyes staring up at me.

It's now or never. 

I tell him the beginning. 

"It started on my 14th birthday…. My Mom, she writes books, had been away for a while and she was supposed to come home that day. I knew she didn't wanna see dad, their relationship hadn't been great lately, but that didn't matter then. She was gonna pick me up from school on her way home from the airport. Dad was at work, and James was at boarding school, so I was pretty alone and dying to see her. Than she called and said she wasn't coming. I was pissed and depressed. Mostly pissed. So I went out to look for a ride. There was a bunch of seniors waiting out there, smoking and talking. One of them was Chad Wilbur…." 

Then the middle.

"…totally showed her up in the hall. I knew the break-up would have been temporary, without my interference. Chad and Maddie seemed to be made for each other in that really dysfunctional way that ends in a murder suicide. But it was all about me; I made sure every thing was like that from then on. I dethroned her. I took Maddie's crown and her king. For once I'd actually won. Me. Not her. Then…"

And finally, the end. The minute I truly started to hate what I had become. It was as bright in my memory as yesterday. 

"_Hey there, Chad. How's the freshmeat doing? Not too long till she's jailbait, am I right?" Greg Timlin laughed. My face flushed, but Chad just laughed hesitantly and loosened his grip on me a little. The age difference was a constant source of amusement for Chad's friends; they acted like I was 7 and he was my baby-sitter. It was tiring._

_It was New Year's Eve and we were all celebrating at Chad's house. That was the main hangout place for us. "Us" consisting of Chad, Greg Timlin, Kaylee Pope, Olivia Mackler, Ian Sellers, Dave Reyes, Mimi Cress, Peter Krakowski, and me, Harper Embry, ex-freshman loser. I'd been there dozens of times since my impromptu birthday party back in October. I even had a set of nice, party clothes in his closet so I could come here straight from school to be ready to play hostess._

"_Haha, very funny, Greg. But at least she's better than Madeline. Honestly, I hated that girl. One minute she'd be sweet and minutes later a seething bitch." Olivia Mackler piped up. As thrilling as it was to have head cheerleader Olivia defending me, I was stumped by this. Olivia and Maddie were best friends; they were inseparable. Olivia was the one I overheard her telling about that little summer "infection". She'd seemed totally supportive and friendly… But I should know by now that looks can be deceiving._

_Still, a part of me knew Maddie's banishment to social Siberia was sort of my fault, and that I shouldn't let them mock her. I opened my mouth to tell them this, but something else came out. "I know, right? And what was with her fashion choices? Uggs? In California? Really? Is she delusional enough to not realize it's, like, 75 degrees out." _

_Everyone laughed. Olivia and Kaylee Pope exchanged a look. Kaylee smirked. "I'm gonna go get a drink. Liv? Harper? You're coming with, right?"_

_My heart sang; Maddie would have been in my place not too long ago. I was really a part of their group! "Of course." I agreed, without hesitation, as I jumped up off the couch. I whipped Chad's arm off of my shoulders and followed them upstairs. God, I must have seemed pathetic. Like some eager, little tagalong. I hope they didn't see it like that._

_We got to Chad's parents living room, where their incredibly well-stocked bar was situated. Olivia pulled a bottle of vodka from the back. "Hey, Harper, James didn't happen to teach you how to make his famous Embry Memory Mixer, did he? Those were the best ever. I wouldn't have made it through junior year if it weren't for Friday night's filled with those."_

_My head snapped up. The Embry Memory Mixer was something James had came up with during his sophomore year. He'd taught me to make one in 7__th__ grade, when I was 12. Mom found out eventually, and a lock was temporarily put on the liquor cabinet, but by then I could practically make one in my sleep. "Actually, he did. I don't know the exact measurements, but I can probably estimate. I'll try not to give any one alcohol poisoning. But no promises."_

"_Haha, you and James are so alike! How is he, by the way?" Kaylee asked. I knew she had had a relationship with James through freshman and sophomore year, but that she had taken it much more seriously then he did. That was James, floating through life and unintentionally screwing up everyone around him._

"_Good." I lied. "We talked last week." Lie. "He asked about you." Another lie. "He was saying that you guys should hang out when he comes home for Easter." Huge lie. James wasn't coming home for Easter. He never came for holidays. Thanksgiving, no. Christmas, no. Fourth of July, no. Easter, no way in hell. But Kaylee doesn't need to know that. _

"_Really? Oh, well, I'll try to fit him in. I'm usually busy at holidays…" she trailed off. I could tell that now she was lying. I bet Kaylee was jumping up and down at the thought that James wanted to see her._

_Kaylee continued to mumble about the holidays and James for a few minutes, creating a slightly awkward atmosphere. Olivia cracked ice cubes between her teeth as I grabbed the ingredients necessary for a Embry Memory Mixer: crushed ice, grape juice, lemon juice, Sprite, lots of vodka, salt, and Kilmer's Twisted olives. James had spent hours mixing together tons of ingredients and drink recipes before he finally came up with the right one. It was actually delicious. If you ignored the massive amounts of booze, that is._

_Olivia quickly cut into the semi-silence changed the subject back to Maddie. "Did you hear her telling people that she'll have Chad back in a heart beat? Some of those fools actually believe her."_

_I was pouring the salt and vodka mixture over the ice when she said this and almost spilled it across the counter. "What? Tell me she isn't."_

_Kaylee and Olivia exchanged a look. "She is. Chad didn't want us to tell you but…you deserve to know when another girl is creeping onto your territory." Kaylee said. My heart plummeted._

"_Oh, shit. What is her problem? God, they were broken up. Seriously. He was single!" I groaned. Secretly, I loved it. It just pushed me a little closer to being securely popular. I was poor Harper now, that sweet girl who's boyfriend was being stolen from her by the school bitch. People would sympathize with me. _

"_Yeah, I know. It's totally ridiculous. We should so get back at her." Kaylee offered. _

_Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Like how? What could we do?" _

_Both Olivia and Kaylee turned to me expectantly. Like, just because I was devious enough to be cool as a freshman meant I was great at plotting against someone? It was so not like that. I didn't know enough about Maddie to have any dirt on her.. Wait. Yes, I did!_

"_I've got it! Her summer "infection"!" I used air quotes on infection; I'd heard Maddie trying to tell Olivia it was from the sand at the beach. Yeah, sure it was. And I was the Queen of England. 'Sand infection' really meant 'STD'; anyone could tell._

"_Of course!" Olivia clapped her hands together. "Wait, but how do we spread the word? It's not like we can just tell everyone in person."_

"_How about a mass email? Those usually get read." Kaylee suggested. Olivia and I shook our heads. An idea popped into my head._

"_Facebook group. 'Who or what Maddie McDonnell did this summer' can be the title. With 'I hate Maddie McD' in parenthesis." I blurted, slightly afraid they would shoot it down as too mean. But they didn't. They never did. Nothing was ever too mean. _

_Kaylee's lips curved into a smirk and Olivia raised her eyebrows. "I like your thinking." Olivia decreed, while Kaylee pulled her laptop from her backpack across the room._

_15 minutes later, the group was created, with all 3 of us as Administrators. 20 minutes later, it had 45 members. Within an hour, most of the upper school and half of the middle school belonged to it. People made lists in the Discussions category of every thing mean she's ever said, along with reasons that everyone should hate her. I started to realize that these things she was hated for, were things I'd done, too._

_Maybe Maddie and I had a lot more in common than just Chad._

I'm done. Adam now knows most of my dirty little secrets. "And that's it. Well, the important parts, at least."

Adam just looks at me. And looks at me. And looks at me. He opens and closes his mouths a few times. I can't blame him. He's now the only person who knows the whole story. Well, most of it. 

I can't take the silence. "So, yeah. That was…uh, yeah." I fumble for words. He stays silent. "Okay. Yeah. So, yeah. I'm gonna go. Because, yeah, that was kind of a bad idea to tell you because, yeah, I'm a horrid bitch and, uh, yeah. So see ya." 

I'm swinging down now. My feet hit the ground and I don't even wait until I've got my footing because I just want to get the hell out of here. I stumble a bit, but manage to stay upright.

"No. Harper, wait. I just… That was a lot to process. And some of it was bad, really bad. But everyone makes mistakes. At least you want to make up for yours." he looks at me as he says it. Right into my eyes. 

"So…I take it you don't hate me more now?" I ask hopefully.

"I didn't really hate you to begin with." he chuckles. "I really like you, Harper. Really."

I take a step towards him, but trip over my foot and crash to the ground.

"Ouch." I wince. He laughs, and I try to fake glare, but end up laughing, too. I'm sure I'll have a lovely bruise tomorrow, but that isn't important. Adam reaches out his hand and pulls me to my feet. And once I'm up, he doesn't let go. I hope he never does.

So this was 2,304 words before the author's note. I must say, I'm rather impressed that I actually know 2, 304 words. Although, that flashback seemed a little long. But never fear, this will not be the last chapter. I mean, hello, it's only like mid-October! And I can tell you that Adam and Harper's burgeoning relationship won't be all sunshine and roses and "I wanna hold your hand forever". I mean, they have to disagree or fight about _**something **_or it'll get stale. And Harper's dysfunctional family drama will be included. Thanks for reading and please review!


	12. Chapter 13

Monday Morning

Oct 10

_**Ring! Ring! Ring!**_

The telephone ringing wakes me up. I shoot up out of bed and race into the living room. As I pass by the hall mirror, I notice I'm still in my clothes from last night. Shoes included. I grab the phone from its dock. I don't recognize the number, but it's probably Dad. He always seems to have a different one every week.

"Hello?"

"Harper? It's Clare."

"Oh, hey. What's up? Is something wrong?" I ask.

"Oh, no. Everything is fine. I was just wondering if you wanted to ride with Adam, Eli, and me. We go by the apartment on our way already." Clare offers. She sounds so peppy, it's bizarre. I look over at the clock and… Holy crap, it's 6:45! Who the hell is this awake at 6:45, without heavy-duty drugs?

I ask Clare this and she laughs. "Haha. I guess I'm just a morning person. So about the ride…"

"Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd love to. Around what time should I be ready?"

"I'd say around 7:30." she guessed.

"Okay. See ya then." I replied. "Bye, Clare!"

"Bye!" she called back. Then came the little _click _from the other end, signifying the end of our conversation.

I went to the kitchen and got out the coffee maker. Dad had refused to ever by a coffee pot, saying they were arbitrary and unnecessary. So instead, we used this weird hourglass bowl thing, that took forever to make disturbingly strong coffee. I set it all up and poured the water over the ground coffee beans. Then I left it to brew while I took a shower.

20 minutes later, I was showered and dressed. Usually, I don't pay very much attention to what I wear. But now that I knew Adam had noticed me, it mattered a lot more. I really hoped that my turquoise camisole, grey sweater, dark wash skinny jeans and black Converse said "While I care about hygiene and fashion, I'm relatively laid back and comfortable with myself". God, the minute I even thought that sentence I realized how loser-y it sounded. It'd be just like me to blurt that out if someone compliments my outfit. Then I'll really look like a weirdo.

As I poured my coffee and added the requisite milk and Splenda, I looked at the pictures I'd tacked to the fridge in a half-hearted attempt to make it look like a happy little family lived here.

Most of them were of James and me. Surfing, sitting on our front porch, reading, my dance recitals, James's baseball games, that camping trip Dad had taken us on for my 9th birthday. It was usually me, Dad, and James doing stuff. Mom was in only 2 pictures: her and Dad's wedding, and holding James as a baby in the hospital. I, obviously, wasn't in either one. The more I thought about it, she'd been distant even before she actually left. I guess family life really was just tiring to her.

Sipping my coffee, I realized it was already 7:25. Shit. No need to be late for my first day of carpooling with my friends. _My friends_. Wow, that was fun to say. The weren't my group or crowd; they were just friends. Plain and simple.

I grabbed my keys and backpack off the couch and was heading out the door when I heard a honking from outside. I slammed the door and raced down the stairs, ignoring the curious looks from my neighbors. And the even more curious looks I got as I pulled open the door of Eli's hearse, which was waiting right outside the front doors.

"Hey." I smiled, sliding in. Clare was up front and Adam was already in back. Eli drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as an incredibly loud song blasted from the radio. If the coffee hadn't fully waken me up, the music surely would. "Thanks for the ride, Eli."

Eli just smirks and I take that as a 'you're welcome'. That boys smirks at everything. I can't tell if he's shy, or just cocky. No, just cocky. Definitely just cocky. That was obvious. But he was driving me to school, so that was automatically forgiven.

Clare waved before turning around to face front again as Eli starts to drive away. Then they start talking in hushed voices that Adam and I can easily hear, but we tune them out to be polite. They deserve some privacy in their not-relationship, as Clare calls it. I turn to Adam.

"Hi." he breathes.

I notice that he has a new beanie and a really nice blue plaid shirt. "What's with the new clothes? Is someone trying to impress me? Aw, I'm flattered." I joke.

Adam's face flushes. "I could say the same for you. But you look nice."

"Thanks. We should have a movie night Friday. I know it didn't end well last time…" I suggest, trailing off when I remember exactly what happened last Friday.

"Not necessarily. I mean, it was… But now it's… Yeah, maybe movie night's aren't such a good idea. Maybe we could go see a movie, at the like theater." Adam blushes. He looks so cute, I wish I had my phone because that would definitely be my new wall paper.. Huh, that even sounds creepy in my head.

"Like a date?" I smile. He pauses for a minute and I start to think that I've gone too fast again. But then he smiles back.

"Yeah. Like a date."

"Okay. I'd love to." I agree, grinning so much it hurts. Adam grins, too.

"Okay, lovebirds. Get up." Eli calls pulling open the door. We're already in the parking lot. My eyes dart around. When did we get here? Reading my mind Eli answers. "For about five minutes. Clare said it was 'cute' and we shouldn't interrupt." He makes air quotes around cute.

Adam slides out and I follow suit. Clare is already out of the car and waiting. I catch up to her and the guys fall back.

"Well, you and Adam are certainly close." she observes. I blush. Clare has this voice that makes you feel like she knows everything about everything. Not in a snobby, know it all way, but in a sweet, perceptive way.

"Yeah, he's uh… Well, I guess you know about Friday night. Where were you and Eli anyway?" I ask. Now it's Clare's turn to blush. I raise my eyebrows a bit just to get a rise out of her.

"Oh, nothing like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!" she laughs. "We just sat in his car and talked."

"Ooh, _talking_! I hope you were safe! Wouldn't want any little Eli's running around!" I call. With that, I skip off.

"Ugh, Harper! That's not even funny!" Clare laughs, catching up to me. We talk until the bell rings, at which point we head off to homeroom. I like Degrassi more and more by the day. Let's hope nothing changes that.

Please review! I'm trying to make this an every-other-day-update thing, and your reviews just inspire me to do so!


	13. Chapter 14

Lunch

My morning classes went by fast. Only a few things really stood out. I got 99% on my Calculus quiz, we played volleyball in gym, I missed Art to take a placement test for history, my English teacher informed me I'm currently failing and that I'm on the verge of being moved into the remedial class. The great part is that she wants my parents to come in for a conference. _Both_ of my parents.

I head out side to the picnic table where Eli, Adam, Clare, and I usually eat lunch. They're already there, waiting for me. Clare and Eli sit together on one side with Adam by himself. I slide onto the bench next to him.

"Hey. What's up?" Adam asks smiling.

"Hey yourself. Nothing really. How about you?" I reply. No need to bring up the fact that I'm failing English. Both Adam and Clare are 10th graders in 11th grade English; Eli is an 11th grader, but I know he gets straight A's. I doubt they'd understand. And then if they did, they would have questions about why I dread my teacher meeting my parents.

"We're doing this super cool project in English. We have to make an interpretation of a scene from Romeo and Juliet."

"Oh yeah. Harper it is gonna be so fun!" Clare practically shouts, gesturing with her hands. I cringe as I see her hand make contact with Eli's open water bottle, spilling it all over both of them.

"Shit." Eli jumps up.

"I'm so sorry!" Clare gapes. "And watch your mouth!"

"It's okay and sorry." he responds. "C'mon, Clare. Let's go get some paper towels."

He grabs her hand and leads her back to the door. I notice how Eli likes to turn everything into a reason to go walking off with Clare. He really likes her, I guess. I turn to Adam.

"That was…interesting." I smirk. Adam rolls his eyes.

"It's weird. 'Interesting' implies that there's something remotely normal, but still unique, about it. It's just strange." he snorts. I think he's selling them too short.

"Eli and Clare's awkwardness is adorable. But frustrating. And besides, what's so great about normal?" I ask. He's silent, so I continue. "I mean, most people don't necessarily think purity rings or driving a hearse or being 5'10 as a girl-"

"Or being an FTM? Is that where you're going?" Adam cuts me off, his face totally blank.

I gulp. His tone makes me nervous. I don't know where I was going with that; it just came as I said it. But it could very well have gone there. "Adam…" I start, but trail off. The words that were flying a minute ago have just gone stiff.

"No, really. You were going there, weren't you?" he spits. "I know I'm not normal. Do you need to bring it up?"

My jaw drops. "Adam, calm down. That's not what I'm saying. Normal is overrated. Fitz and Bianca are normal. Everyone tries so hard to be normal. I don't want to be with people who try to be someone they really aren't! I know how it is to do that, change yourself, just to make everyone else happy. I like how you don't do that." I almost scream. I don't remember what I just said, and it may not make sense, but I hope that maybe the basic point will be understood. Otherwise, I may not have friends anymore.

Adam's face lights up. "I'm sorry, Harper. It's just…I _hate_ being like this. I hate how everyone always acts like I chose this, just to, like, piss them off or something. Like I'm making trouble."

"It's okay. I understand what you're saying. But just know, I don't want you to change. Ever. They don't get to decide how you live your life. You do." I remind him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. A smile spreads across his lips. It turns into a full smile, with his perfect teeth exposed. "So, do you-" I try to say, but Adam kisses me and… suddenly I don't remember what I was gonna say.

His lips are soft and eager. He slides his hand into my hair and the touch of his hands against my scalp is tingly and… Words can't even begin to describe this moment. I grab Adam's shirt, and pull him closer. We break, only for a few seconds but it seems like too long anyhow, and I hear someone clear their throat.

I turn slowly and there's Eli and Clare, pressing paper towels to their still wet-looking clothes. "We leave for five minutes to get paper towels and return to find you two jumping on each other. Classy." Eli jokes. Clare elbows him and he shrugs. She rolls her eyes as they sit back down at the table.

"So, uh, what's up with you, Harper?" Adam asks, clearly trying to break the unbelievably awkward silence surrounding us.

I'm thrown off guard by the fact that we've just gone from playing tonsil hockey to small talk so fast. So I say the one thing I can think of. "I'm failing English."

Then the atmosphere changes again, from awkward to concerned. Eli, Clare and Adam are all gaping at me in utter shock. There's no way that they'll let me get away with not having a discussion about this. One more thing to deal with.


	14. Chapter 15

Wednesday Night

"Okay, so exactly, what did he say?" I asked gently, for the fucking thousandth time in the past 10 minutes. God, friendship was hard. Especially when you're as out of touch with emotions as I am.

It was early on Wednesday night, around 7. Clare had called me to talk at 6:30, and I didn't pick up the phone because I was tired.

Big mistake.

20 minutes after that, a knock sounded on my door and I heard Clare, sobbing hysterically. When I opened the door(after taking a few minutes to contemplate pretending to not be home, and then feeling horrible afterwards for thinking about it), she rushed in and sat right down on the couch, and announced she was staying over tonight, before launching into a spiel about something Eli had done. It was impossible to understand her; the only words I could decipher were "Romeo", "Juliet", "poison coke", and "just friends".

"He just wants to be friends! Friends! All this time I wasted, thinking we were just shy about taking the next step and then I find out he doesn't even want to take the next step! There's no way I can ever face him again. Seriously." Clare babbles, wiping off her eyes.

I give her a sad smile, pretending I don't know how Eli really feels. Adam told me all about it. About Julia. It made sense that he would pull away from her, with the memories of Julia still so fresh. I wish I could find away to communicate this to Clare, without telling her all about Julia, because that's not my secret to tell, and I'm not that good at talking to begin with. So distraction is what I'll have to offer. "I'm sorry, Clare. I really didn't see this coming. Here, let's go watch a movie and you can forget all about him, okay?" I offer. "You told your parents you were staying over, right?"

"Yeah." Clare nods, fiddling with her abstinence ring. "Ugh. They're always fighting. I can't just sit there, moping about Eli while they scream and throw stuff downstairs."

I nod, actually understanding. I understand the rejection part of her problem, of course. Rejection is simple enough, plus I just went through the same thing with Adam a week ago. But her rejection is more complex. Adam doesn't have a dead girlfriend lying around somewhere. Just an X chromosome where there should be a Y. But parent trouble? I know exactly what she means. "I know. Just…try not to dwell on everything. Things have a way of working out the way you need them to. I mean, look at me and Adam. We went from rejection to…well, you saw at the picnic table Monday." I wink, trying to lighten things up.

Clare blushes and laughs back. "Haha, Harper! Thanks for that. You really helped to take my mind off of…it. Him. Eli."

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll do the same when ever Adam and I are having trouble." I say, hopping up to go open the movie cabinet. Gotta keep Clare from thinking about Eli too much. "So, what movie do you want to watch? Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, or we could be total bad asses and watch both."

Clare rolls her eyes before calling out, "Both."

I laugh. "Wow, Clare. I never knew beneath those floral button ups and curls lurked a total rebel." I tease, sliding the Mean Girls disk into the DVD player, one of the few electronics I've unpacked. One of the few anything I've unpacked. Luckily, most of the boxes are spread out in my parents room, where no one sleeps.

"Yep, that's me. Clare 'Baby' Edwards, total bad girl."

"Okay, 'bad girl'," I make air quotes. "go make some popcorn. Try not to rebel against the microwave too much." I joke. I can already tell we're going to be friends for a long time.

.

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.

.

Eh, that was okay. I don't want Harper's whole life to revolve around Adam and her shitty family. So I gave her and Clare some friendship. Clare needs it too. I mean, whatever happened with her and Alli? They never seem to hang out anymore. Clare's with Eli and Adam, and Alli's got Drew, Jenna, and kinda Dave, if stalking and friendship are the same thing. But whatever. Please review! It really makes me happy!


	15. Chapter 16

Thursday morning

It's early. Too early. And my cell is going off like crazy. So is Clare's. The menu for _Mean Girls _plays over and over again, with Cady Heron being victimized by Regina George every 5 fucking seconds. It's all giving me a killer headache.

"Clare, get your phone. Now." I grumble, reaching for my own. "Christ. Adam's texted me 9 times. We are so late."

"What? What time is it?" Clare asks, sitting up fast. We've got sleeping bags spread across the floor of my living room. Her short curls are sticking up in a million directions and there's a thin crust of drool on her chin. I'm sure I look exactly the same. "Oh, Eli texted me, too."

"Clare, it's 10:15. We need to get going." I remind her, running to the kitchen to brew some coffee. Ah, coffee. My savior. "Go try to make your hair stop resembling an afro while I make some coffee."

"I don't drink coffee. Do you have tea?" she calls back, already heading to the bathroom with a brush in her hand.

I scoff. "You _would_ drink tea." Nonetheless, I grab the ancient box of honey ginger tea off the shelf. The date was 2 weeks ago, but c'mon, it's _tea_. It won't kill her. I pour some water into a cup and drop a tea bag in, before pouring the rest over my coffee. Then I head off to get dressed. We are _so _late.

15 minutes later…

"Okay, hair, check. Caffeine, check. Homework, check. Clothing, check. Lunch money, check." I murmur. Clare's standing in the door way, drinking lukewarm tea out of a paper cup that's similar in design to my cup. Only difference is my coffee is hot and my cup is plastic. Yay, cancer here I come. "Yep. I'm good."

Clare turns around and darts down stairs. In her haste, she spills tea on her jeans, but keeps moving. I should have reminded her of the elevator; it's much quicker. But I still follow her down the 9 flights of stairs until we reach the lobby. No geriatric neighbors are milling around today, which is good. They're already suspicious about Eli's hearse; a sleepover on a school night may give them a heart attack.

"Oh god, we're in so much trouble!" Clare yells. "There's no way my parents will call in for me. I'm gonna get detention!"

I roll my eyes; she's over exaggerating. But…I have an English test today. One that, despite hours of studying, I know I'm gonna fail. Maybe it's time for a mental health day. I mention this to Clare.

"No. Uh-uh. Not happening. Eli got me to blow off English a few weeks back, and that was a step too far. I'm not doing it again." she declines.

I furrow my eyebrows and pout. "Clare, I'm not going in today. You can join me, or go to boring, nasty old school. It's your choice; I won't pressure you. But I'd love for you to join me." I state, feeling her start to waver more on every word.

She sighs deeply. "Fine. Just this once. Never again. Do you hear me? Never. Again."

I laugh. "Loud and clear." I love how stubborn Clare is; that trait would have helped me last year. "Now, you text Eli, I'll get Adam. I'm sure they'd love to join us."

Clare flips open her cell and dials away. We keep walking, cutting through a neighborhood to get to Degrassi. We walk in silence, waiting for our significant others to reply. After her phone beeps, and she checks it, her face drops. I'm in the process of texting Adam, who was way too excited about skipping, but I still notice it. "What's wrong?"

"He wants to talk. Looks like I'm about to get dumped before we've even started dating." she replies somberly. I wrap an arm around her. It seems a little weird, and I've never really had a friend before, but this is what they do in _Lifetime_ movies when ever someone has romantic trouble.

"Don't be such a pessimist. He may want to apologize for his douche baggery." I assure her, half believing it. "Just give him a chance. We can skip another time. Talk to him."

"Are you sure? I mean, we had this planned and…and what if he doesn't want to do that? What if he's just going to let me go?" she frets.

I smile, in a way that was meant to be encouraging, but may have appeared semi- lascivious. "Just take a chance on him. You could be surprised."

We've reached Degrassi. Adam, who must be skipping art, and Eli, who has a free period, are both leaned up against the side of the building. I notice they're in the camera's blind spot. Clever.

"Achoo!" I stage-whisper. Adam's head shoots up from his phone, while Eli's only rises slowly. Always the reserved one, he is. Adam jogs over to me, while Clare stumbles over to Eli.

"Hey." Adam grins, leaning in to kiss my cheek. But he twitches slightly and hits half of my mouth instead. He pulls away, fast and awkward. I'm trying so hard not to laugh. Adam must notice the strained expression on my face because he quickly admits how weird his embarrassment is. "I know, I know. After the picnic table, and movie night, I shouldn't be that afraid to kiss you."

I laugh. "It's fine. Really. That was just funny, though. You looked like you'd just confessed your undying love for me or something. It was a kiss. Nothing big. See?" I lean forward and kiss him full on the lips. I realize how juvenile this is, like a bad teen comedy, but I want to prove a point.

Adam blushes and smiles. "Your mouth tastes…coffee-y. It's good." I laugh again; he's just too cute.

"Yeah. So, since Eli and Clare are wimping out on skipping, it's just us. What do you wanna do? Park, the Dot, movies, my house…" I make sure to say my house last, letting it hang there. I don't want to seduce him or something. But there's less chance of us getting caught if we're not out in public. And I kinda want him alone. That's a factor.

"Your house is good. We could finish up that movie. I have it in my bag." he replies.

"Good. Let's go." I smile. "Lead the way, good sir. Well, actually don't. I kinda live there so yeah…I mean, I know where it is. And you don't because, well, you don't live there. And it's not like you're stalking me… or. God, I need to learn how to shut up." I sigh, feeling my inner dork slowly emerging. Soon I'll be showing him my rock collection or my X-men posters, inherited from James. That one's almost justifiable; Wolverine is pretty hot.

Adam speaks, pulling me from my inner thoughts. "No you don't. It's cute. So are you." he says, grabbing my hand and intertwining our fingers. His hands are warm and mine are cold, so cold. I'm grateful for his heat. And him. Mainly him. Because I know, that as long as we're together, which I hope is gonna be a while, he'll keep me warm. And that's really all I need.

Please review! Give my pathetic life a meaning!


	16. Chapter 17

Friday

Everything was going good.

Adam and I had a strong, but still slow moving relationship, Clare and I were best friends (and Clare and Eli were on their way to a relationship), my English grades were slowly rising, and I was adjusting to life in Toronto.

No, it wasn't just good; it was perfect.

Clare, Adam, Eli and I were sitting out at the picnic table after school on Friday, discussing this week's newest scandals. That's another way Degrassi was different from Englewood: At Englewood, the sex, drugs, and drama were all carefully tucked away, out of the public eye, but at Degrassi, everyone's dirty laundry is hung out in the open. It's almost sort of refreshing.

"So, how soon till we can have a movie night again?" Clare asks, changing the subject. I got the vibe that she was sort of uncomfortable discussing other people's problems. So did Adam and Eli; I was really the only one talking. But it wasn't like we were starting rumors; just contemplating them.

"Well, tomorrow is good. My Dad is away on business still." I offered. Adam's face screwed up in confusion.

"Still? He's been gone all this time?" Adam asked, looking concerned. It takes me a moment to realize what he's talking about. '_My Dad is away on business still' _the worst sentence I could ever utter.

"Oh no. He came home last week, but he had to go again on Tuesday." I cover. "He's home more in the winter. Fall is just busy for him. Work. You know."

"Yeah, same for my Mom." Adam replied. "Her schedule is crazy all year round though. But she's still waaay too involved in mine an Drew's lives."

"She means well, I'm sure." Clare offers evenly. Adam's tsks, and I can tell he disagrees. I've never met his Mom, but from what I hear, Audra Torres is nothing like my flaky, irresponsible mother. And I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I decide to bring up meeting his Mom and Dad. "So, uh, when-" I start but my ringing cell phone interrupts me.

I wince, realizing that it's still my old Brittney Spears ring tone. The one I downloaded in 6th grade and never thought to change because no one ever calls me besides Dad. Eli looks terrified, Adam looks amused, and Clare looks normal, which leads me to wonder if maybe she had an embarrassing Brittney phase, too. Probably every girl has had one.

"Sorry. I was 12. Don't judge!" I cry, as Adam and Eli crack up. I look at the Caller I.D. and it's Dad. I stand up and walk away from the picnic table, hitting the pick-up key.

"Hello?" I answer hesitantly. Dad rarely calls, so this is surprising. What's next? Mom coming home? James hating alcohol?

"Harper, good. I'm calling to tell you to set up mine and James's rooms at the apartment. Strip the sheets and put on new ones. And pick up a combination lock for the liquor cabinet, okay?" he stumbles, talking faster than I thought was humanly possible.

"Wait, what? I don't understand. Are you coming home? Is James?" I reply. My mind is racing. This can't be happening. It's not that I don't want them home; they're my family. But when they're around, especially James, things get…messy.

"Yes. Your brother was expelled. He had some trouble. Serious trouble. And not just once, either. This is his third offense. For this year! This year, for Christ's sakes!" Dad huffs. Oh no. Mom warned me about this. At least I didn't have to be the one to tell him about James. "Apparently, your Mother has stopped in to check up on him and chat with the dean 4 times. 4 times!"

My heart stops. _What? _Mom has gone to James's school _4 times_? 4? This year alone? I can't remember her ever going to a single thing at Englewood. Not even for parent-teacher conferences. But James gets 4 visits in less that 3 months? I haven't even seen Mom since last June, at my 8th grade graduation. That's 16 months. And even then, it was only for a weekend.

"Harper? Harper? Are you there?" Dad calls on the other end of the line. I quickly tune back into him and away from thoughts of my flaky, neglectful mother.

"Yeah, sorry. But why are you coming here? Shouldn't James be heading off to another school or whatever?"

"Actually, no. I think it'd be best for him to finish off the year at Degrassi. Where you can keep an eye on him." Dad announces.

That makes me roll my eyes in frustration. Where _I_ can keep an eye on _him_? "Dad." I say softly, trying not to scream like I so badly want to. "James is 17. He's a senior. I'm not even 15 yet. He should be watching me! And what about you? Are you just gonna dump James here, like you did with me, and run back to California? Huh? Cause it sure sounds like that!"

Now I'm screaming. I can see Adam and Clare exchanging concerned glances in my peripheral vision, while Eli's face is blank.

"Harper Caitlin Embry, do not speak to me like that. You are a little girl. I have given you every thing and you will not disrespect me." he shoots back, his tone icy.

I can practically see him narrowing his eyes and fiddling with his tie. That's what he'd do whenever one of us, usually James, caused trouble. He didn't want to be the bad guy; it made him uncomfortable. But someone had to be it, and Mom was already long gone by the time real discipline was needed for our actions.

I know that he's having a hard time too and that I'm being unfair, but…I just need to say this. "Why can't I? Because you're my father? Because, generally, fathers see their kids and know their birthdays and know that their fucking middle name is Ann, not Caitlin. They don't drop their kid off in a different country and claim that they moved _for work_, but then go back to their old home _for work_!"

"I didn't move for work! I moved for you! You made a mess of things at Englewood. Do you think I don't know about your little rivalry with the McDonnell girl? Hm? About the Facebook group? Chad Wilbur? The drinking, the parties, the late nights… Parents talk. They talk about screw ups. You screwed up and everyone knew it. Except for you." he bites back.

I'm not sure if I believe him, but…he knows. About everything. This was my worst nightmare for so long and now it's coming true. I don't even know what to say; so I keep it simple. "I hate you!" I scream into the phone before slamming it shut. Tears start to run down my face. I ignore them and walk back to the picnic table. Clare looks even more concerned than before, and surprisingly so does Eli, and Adam's face is blank.

I sit down hard on the bench, twirling my hair around my finger. I just keep doing that. It makes a strange _thresh- _ing sound.

_Thresh _

_Thresh _

_Thresh_

_Thresh_

I'm completely shocked by the events of a few minutes ago when Clare says: "Do you want to talk about that at all?"

I let my hair drop off my fingers and slowly raise my eyes from the screw on the table I was focusing on. "No. I don't. I have to go and clean the apartment before Dad and James get here." I answer numbly. "But I'll see you guys around."

I grab my bag from off of the ground and stand up, shaking a little before I start walking.

"Bye, Harper." Eli murmurs. I nod in his direction. Adam is still silent.

I walk away. I start off heading towards my house. But I don't want to go there now.

So I keep walking.

And walking.

And walking.

Until…

I get there. The park. The one where Adam and I went last week. But this time, instead of going straight towards the monkey bars, I curl up inside the covered crawling tunnel and cry. Because, yet again, I ran away.

I guess when you run away as much as I do, eventually, people stop chasing after you.

**Please review!**


	17. Chapter 18

Saturday

"Are you sure you're okay?" Adam asks me.

My face flushes. We're sitting in his living room, doing art homework, and not talking. So this question is totally off topic. But nonetheless, I know what he means. The Incident, as I've come to think of it. All 6 minutes, 45 seconds of me screaming at my father. And him reciprocating it.

"That doesn't matter. It's always like that. I can't let one little thing, that's happened a million times before and is bound to happen a million times again, get in the way of my life." I say, my head held high and my voice neutral. That is such a lie. I'm letting their arrival derail my life completely.

James and Dad got in last night, which they called to inform me of. I slept over at Clare's to avoid seeing them. I even washed my hair in a sink, just to avoid going home to shower. I'm also wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday, something that Adam has either yet to notice or has chosen not to acknowledge.

"Are you honestly sure? Harper, I heard that phone call. Even without your Dad's part, that sounded pretty bad." Adam argues nervously, wringing his hands. "That was…intense."

I sigh; he's not going to ease up until he gets something out of me. "Yeah. It was bad, I know. It's just…. James. He and Mom, they're…difficult. Flaky. Messed up. Irresponsible. But they're also charismatic. And conniving. And lovable. You love them, no matter what. You have to." I pause. "But they start almost all of my problems. Well, Mom does, but now James is starting to and he's going to start at Degrassi and…. It's just too much. The drinking, the absences, everything."

"I think I see what you mean. I always feel like I do that to Drew and my parents. That they're just fine and happy. But then I come along and ruin it by being a freak." he blurts. "I think some days I'd just be better off as Gracie."

My heart sinks. "Adam, that's not the same thing. You don't start trouble. You aren't trying to start trouble; James is. We all know that he has a problem, he just refuses to acknowledge it. James is a coward. You aren't." I point out. "And if you were Gracie, I'd no longer have a boyfriend. So let's both agree that things are better like this."

Adam smiles. His gorgeous white teeth aren't showing, but it's still nice. Homework just became really hard to focus on. I slam my massive art book closed and pull my knees up to my chest. It's freezing in here. Adam's Mom probably has some bizarre belief that the cold keeps teenagers from rebelling or something. That sounds like the kind of think she'd believe, from what Adam's told me.

I rub my arms up and down a few times, but the friction doesn't warm them at all. Adam finally notices me slowly turning into an ice cube and immediately pulls of his baggy hoody. I slide it on, already starting to feel warmer.

"Art homework seems like it would be…more funner." I state, looking at Adam in my peripheral vision. He slams his book closed and turns to me.

"You did not really just say 'funner'. Please say you didn't it."

I smirk. "Actually. I did. What are you gonna do about it?"

Adam's face gets a mischievous look and I know he's about to do something. And I'm right. Before I even have time to react, he grabs my green-socked feet and starts to tickle them. I bite my lip and strain to keep my cool; I won't give him the satisfaction of breaking me down.

But clearly he wants to win too. So he starts tickling my rib cage. That's when I break. I start laughing hysterically, begging him to stop. "Adam, no! That's not funny! Hahaha…oh my god!" I giggle. "Stop!"

I try to sound forceful, but the laugh ruins it. I'm about to retaliate when another voice says "Yes, Adam. Stop."

We both freeze and turn around. Standing just a few feet behind us is a woman I assume to be Audra Torres. This is so not good. The mother of my boyfriend just caught me practically horizontal on the couch with him. I've seen this on TV; now she's probably sure that I'm a slut out to corrupt her son.

"Uh, hi, Mom. This is, er, Harper. We were just doing some art homework and, uh, I…" Adam mutters to an icy Audra. I wave feebly. She clucks her tongue disapprovingly.

"Go help Drew unload the groceries, Adam." she orders. Adam jumps up and slides out the door, giving me a nervous look as he goes.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Torres." I smile weakly. Hoping that just maybe she'll hate me less after hearing my polite tone.

"And you, Harper. Are you and my son…romantically involved?" she asks, looking me over. Part of me appreciates her getting straight to the point. My own mother could beat around the bush for hours, so this is refreshing.

"Yes, I suppose you could say that." I reply.

"And you know about his-?" she asks. I nod; it's obvious that any more mention of _that _subject would mortify her, so I avoid it. "Harper, I'm going to be frank with you."

"Please do."

"Normally, I would despise you. If you were dating Drew, I would forbid him from seeing you." Her eyes narrow. "But…. Adam has been through a…rough patch, you could say, and I'm going to allow this. He hates me enough as it is, so why add to that list?"

"Mrs. Torres, he doesn't hate you. Honestly." I tell her. She looks doubtful.

"That doesn't matter, just don't hurt him." she instructs, her mouth forming a sad smile. "I know girls like you, Harper. Pretty, bold, the mysterious new girl. You can have any boy wrapped around your finger. Why you're with Adam, I don't understand. But I doubt it'll last."

My jaw drops and I have so many things to say. How can she think that, without even knowing me? Last year, I was that girl, the controlling, popular one, but not now. If she'd just given me a chance to explain… I open my mouth to say all this and promptly realize that she's already left.

I slip my art textbook into my tote bag and stand up, smoothing my jeans. I walk to the door. When I pull it open, I can see Mrs. Torres in the glass reflection, watching me. I toss my hair over my shoulder, and head out into the front yard. Adam and Drew are leaned up against their Mom's van, looking nervous. Mrs. Torres has now moved to the living room window and is blatantly staring at me.

"How scary was it?" Drew asks, while Adam looks up at me sheepishly.

"Not so much scary as weird." I admit, looking back at the window. It's then that I decided she already doesn't like me, so why not have some fun? I grab Adam's shoulder and lean down. Our lips make contact and I feel bad using him like this, but this is war. I pull away just as his hands start clench my hair. I turn back to the window, and the feeling of triumph I get from seeing Mrs. Torres's angry red face is amazing.

I wink at Adam and walk off, with all 3 Torres' watching. Drew mutters something along the lines of "if Alli weren't around…" and I stifle a laugh. However, that laugh escapes when I hear a loud _Smack_-ing sound, followed by an "Ow!" from Drew.

My happiness ends when I realize that I now have to go home. Where my father and James are awaiting. This is going to be a long night.


	18. Chapter 19

**Time for Daddy Dearest and James to finally make their appearance.**

This was it. I'd made it through the lobby, up the stairs(I'd decided that the elevator was unsafe after listening to the weird panging noise it made going up, so now the stairs would be my mode of transportation), down the hall, and here I was. Standing in front of the door to my apartment, frozen still. I couldn't hear anything from inside, which wasn't surprising. They don't have much to talk about.

"Time to grow up." I tell myself. This is a mandatory event, all part of growing up. I stick my key into the lock and twist it. The door slides open, not creaking one bit, which makes it more eerie. Dad's coat is on a hook by the door, and James's shoes are sitting against the wall, with their owner slumped on the couch.

"Harpsichord!" he yells.

I wince; "Harpsichord" is the only nickname worse than "Harp". I stay still, clutching the door and fighting the impulse to run. James throws his arms around my neck and I realize that this is the only time in the past 3 years that I've seen him where he hasn't been fall down-drunk. Well, actually, there were a few times when he was only buzzed, but still.

He chooses not to acknowledge the awkward silence this situation begs for and calls Dad in from the kitchen.

"Hey, Harper." Dad grins, giving me a weak half hug. I stiffen even more. "I'm sorry I had to leave. These past 2 days must have been rough."

_What? _

_These past 2 days? _

_What?_

Dad's been gone for over 3 weeks! 2 days, my ass. I'd started to forget he lived here. I look at Dad, my eyes flashing. He is not seriously doing this, pretending that he's a model parent who's wracked with guilt about leaving their teenage daughter alone for 2 days. I'm not going to let him do this. Dad clearly notices my expression. He may be a dick, but he's not that dense.

"Uh, James? Why don't you go and wait for the Thai delivery man? They charge extra if they have to walk up steps." Dad suggests, his tone so forceful I'm slightly afraid about what will happen after James leaves.

James nods and heads out the door, closing it gently behind us. I turn directly to face Dad, anger and hurt coursing through my body. How I wish that I could just stay at Adam's and have dinner their and have his Mom not hate me and have my Mom be in the country and have James not be a drunken prick and…Now is not the time for daydreaming; it's the time for answers.

"Dad." I start, but then pause; this is going to be hard. "Why? He has a problem and lying isn't going to help it. I also strongly doubt he cares about me living alone for 3 weeks. Your son isn't exactly the most altruistic person."

"I don't need to justify my plans to you, Harper. But your brother needs a family and we're going to give him one."

"Do you hear yourself? Give him a family? He's not a war orphan, for fuck's sake! We're not Brangelina. That's ridiculous. Do you think I don't want a family? Hm? Because I do!" I feel my face growing red. "That's all I wanted!"

"Harper, please. James isn't strong like us. He's…different." Dad replies, his tone patronizing. He puts his hands out in front of him, fingers splayed in what's supposed to be a commanding way.

"Strong? We're strong? There's a difference between being strong and being emotionally detached; you're the second one. And me, well, I'm just sort of a cowardly bitch." I laugh snarkily, cringing at the truth of my statement.

"Harper, I'm sorry. I really am trying. But I just don't know what I'm doing." he offers, his forehead screwed up in remorse. I want to stop, and just let it go for tonight, but I'm on a roll. Me being on a roll never ends well.

"So, to recap, James is weak drunk, you're a frigid workaholic, and I'm a snide fuck-up. Aren't we just the perfect family?" I grin, maliciousness saturating my voice. Dad looks stunned. Stunned at what I just said and stunned at how spot-on it was. I don't even want to think about how far this fight could've gone if James didn't choose this moment to open the door, clutching a steaming bag of Thai food.

"Oh, good. Food's here. Harper, grab some plates. I think we'll eat on the couch tonight." Dad orders, his voice sickeningly cheery and fun. I know what he's doing.

Back when we were kids and Mom would be late getting home from work, Dad would order some takeout and let us eat it on the couch. When we finished, we'd go and drop crumbs on the table cloth and make small pools of soy sauce so that Mom wouldn't realize we'd been breaking the cardinal rule of No Eating On The Holy, Expensive Couch. We'd laugh and joke about it for days after, to Mom's frustration and our glee.

He's trying to win us over with some cutesy memory.

I'm about to protest when I see James.

Sober, smiling, James.

So I decide to let Dad have his moment of fake family unity and go to grab the plates like the liar he wants me to be.

Minutes later, as I sit on the couch, Dad gets soda from the kitchen, and our food sits on the table, already situated on plates, James looks at me long and hard. He looks all around the apartment. He looks at my dirty clothes, balled up in the corner. And the sleeping bags that I still haven't put away. And how Dad keeps banging his head on the ceiling. Obviously, even with the lies, James knows that something is off. He opens and closes his mouth a few times.

I know what he wants to say, so I'll say it. For both of our sakes'. "A lot changes in a little time, huh?"

"Yeah." he mumbles, just as Dad walks in with 3 cans of Pepsi tucked under his arm. James and I both hate Pepsi; we're Coke people, through and through. "A lot does."

Review Please! J J Make me smile! JJ


	19. Chapter 20

"Who's Adam?" James casually asks.

It's Monday morning and we're sitting at the kitchen counter, eating some incredibly undercooked French toast sticks. We'd be the perfect little picture of a family if it weren't for 3 things: 1) the lack of a Mom, 2) James and I both have books open on our laps (but at least we're making the effort to hide our dysfunction), and 3) Dad is holed up in the pantry, screaming expletives at his assistant through his cell. Also, the chunk of coffee-soaked, pre-chewed toast stick I spit out when he asks this is kinda icky looking.

"What? What do you mean?" I struggle to keep my expression blasé. James cocks his head, clearly knowing that I'm hiding something.

"An Adam called this morning to see if you definitely didn't want a ride to school." he shrugs.

"And you didn't think to tell me?"

"You were in the shower. It's not a big thing, really. Unless…" James gets this look on his face, the look he always gets when we're playing cards and he realizes a way to beat me. "Is Adam your boyfriend?"

I shake my head but clearly, James sees right through it. "Oh, great! Harpsichord has a boyfriend! Harper and Adam, sitting in a tree, kissing. First come loves, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby- Wait, you aren't screwing him, are you?" His voice takes on a strained tone. "Because, uh, Kaylee Pope and I, uh, had a close call sophomore year and it really messed her up and-"

"James, God. What is wrong with-? No, I'm not. I've lived here for a month, barely. I'm not having sex with a guy I met a month ago. And if I was, it's really none of your business. I also have no desire to learn about your and Kaylee's "close call". I'm not an aunt; that's all that really matters." I make my voice take on a cheery tone and James grins.

"Okay, but if he turns out to be a dick, just let me know. I'm always eager to kick the ass of my sister's boyfriend." James laughs. I laugh too, because we both know that even sober, James barely has the coordination to high-five correctly on the first try. I can't see him in a fist fight at all, much less winning one.

Dad chooses this moment to emerge from the pantry, slamming his cell phone shut as the door swings open. "What are you two smiling about?"

I give James my best "please don't say anything look". But, because he's my older brother, he naturally has to ignore.

"Harper has a boyfriend!" he states gleefully.

Dad's face twists up a little. "Okay. Have him over for dinner sometime."

He then turns back to his cell phone. "Uh-huh."

I grab my back from the back of the chair, drop my plate in the sink, and go to the door. And right as I open the door, James says it. "Oh, and Harper? Be sure to use protection!"

I slam the door fast, but I can still hear James and Dad dissolving into laughter.

God, my family is weird.

_After school_

"Did your mom flip on you after I left?" I ask Adam as we walk over to the table in the Dot where Clare and Eli are already sitting. His face screws up and he shakes his head,

"No. She just got really icy and said that I was making "making a wrong decision". Which is what she also said when I first wanted to be called Adam, so…"

"Enough said."

"Hi, Adam! Hi, Harper!" Clare greets us when she sits down. Eli coolly nods at Adam and sort of at me. I sit down and pull out my vibrating cell phone. There's about 5 texts from James, stating that he's approaching the Dot. Always over prepared. That's the Embry way, I suppose.

"Uh, James is coming. Sorry. He won't be a bother. We're all just a little socially awkward in the Embry family and I doubt he'll be making friends anytime soon, so you're stuck with him." I shrug.

"Wait, who's James?" Eli asks.

"Her brother." Clare pipes up. "I saw him this morning. He's very tall."

"Yeah, it, uh, runs in the family." I reply, just as James comes through the door. He waves and walks over to our table. And he doesn't trip or fall or bang a table, which makes me extremely jealous. James isn't nearly as accident prone as I am. "Hi, James. This is Eli, Clare, and Ad-"

"Hi." James smiles shyly, cutting me off halfway through Adam's name. He's nervous looking, but obviously still sober. Which is impressive. He turns to Adam. "I'm James, Harper's brother. And you're probably Adam….? We, er, talked this morning?"

"Yeah, that's me." Adam responds. James turns to his cell phone for a minute and Adam shoots me a confused look, that seems to scream "_I thought your brother was a fall down drunk, but he actually seems rather normal….?". _I shrug back at him and Adam shakes his head and jumps back into a conversation. "So, James, where did you go before Degrassi?"

Bad idea.

"Oh, um, boarding school. Back on the, er, east coast. And another one in Colorado before that… And the one in Maine, but that was only a few months. And Englewood in California before that."

"And before that?" Eli says, jokingly.

Although James misses his joking tone and replies: "Home school. Harper was home schooled from kindergarten to half of 8th grade and I did it from 2nd grade until 8th grade. We moved around a lot growing up."

"Really? That's interesting." Clare states, turning to me. "How many schools have you been to, Harper?"

"Only here and Englewood. I've only been in real school 2 years. James is on his fourth as a senior."

"That's…weird." Eli offers. Clare shoots him a look. "What? It is!"

"You can't just say that!" Clare chastises.

"Even if you think it." Adam cheerily chimes in, and is promptly shot an icy glare by Clare. Which makes James and I start laughing, because this is sort of our fault.

"Clare, it's fine. We've come to accept our bizarre, isolated youth." I chuckle. James looks slightly uncomfortable, possibly because he knows exactly how bizarre our family is.

I'm about to introduce a new topic for conversation when James stands up.

"Harper, I've got to go meet Dad at his office to pick up some papers. I'll see you later. It was nice meeting all of you." His tone is stiff and clipped as he slings his bag over his shoulder and zips his hoodie, while walking away.

Once he's gone, Eli smirks. "That was odd." he declares, earning another look from Clare.

"Eli! Be polite. James was perfectly nice. You just can't get along with people." Clare sniffs, rolling her eyes at me.

"Yes, he was nice. But weird. And tongue tied. Does your whole family talk like that?" Eli asks me.

I want to nod, because we are all like that, but Adam finally speaks up and beats me to it. "Does your whole family smirk like that?"

Clare and I both snicker, while Eli smirks as a very accurate response. Clare clears her throat and turns to me. "Did you hear about the Vegas night dance?"

"No. I haven't heard a thing."

"Neither have I. But Alli is very tapped in to the Degrassi news and apparently one is being planned. And she wants to go dress shopping, so I thought I'd see if you wanted to go? Jenna Middleton will be there too, and I need someone to, er,-"

"Say no more. I'll be there. I need a dress anyway." I agree quickly. I know all about Clare's history with Jenna and K.C. Guthrie. I wouldn't leave her all alone with Jenna. Well, practically all alone as Alli isn't really good at conflict resolution.

"What did you think of James?" I ask Adam. He opens his mouth and closes it a few times before shrugging.

"Oh, Clare? I think the love birds need some alone time. Don't we have an English paper to edit?" Eli points out, before grabbing Clare's elbow and pulling her out the door. "Stay safe!"

"Do you want to take a walk? It's kind of loud in here." Adam suggests, already grabbing his bag. "We could just go around the block. I have to be back at school soon if I'm going to get a ride from my mom…"

"Okay." I offer, slipping into my jacket. I can't believe I need a jacket here. Back in California, shorts are year round apparel.

We start walking, and go several minutes without talking before I reintroduce that simple little question. "So, what do you really think of James?"

Adam blushes. "James is…different. A little… weird." he offers.

This makes me angry for some reason. I've always been a little defensive when it comes to James. "A little weird? Drew is a little stupid but I don't say that out loud!" I fire back. His jaw drops.

"You just did! And he's a good brother. Can you say the same for James, the awkward, drunken weirdo?"

"At least my brother doesn't blackmail people in regards to their sexuality. Yes, I know all about that business with Riley Stavros! Zane Park is in my math class! God, how do you stand to be around him knowing that? That he is scummy enough to-"

"He isn't scummy! Do you have to do this? Do we have to do this? What does my opinion of your brother matter? I like him, but he seems weird. And I like Drew and he's always been there for me. He also put in a good word about you with our mother." Adam retorts angrily. "So what if he isn't too bright."

His voice has a sort of sad undertone. I know that he hates it when people fight. He once

told me that he used to hide in his garage with Drew whenever their parents would fight. Drew wouldn't be there for long, but Adam would just stay there, sitting in the corner, until he was forced to move.

"Gah. You're right. I'm sorry. I just…I don't want James to be here and I don't want Dad to be here either. They just mess things up and now James knows about us and he's bound to hear about you at school and-" I quickly stop, realizing that I've said the wrong thing. That James is "bound to hear about Adam at school. He is and I honestly have no idea how he'll react to it, but we really aren't that close and if he takes it badly and tells Dad… it'll get very messy, very fast. And I don't want to see that happen.

"You don't want him to know about me being an FTM? I thought that all of that didn't matter to you anymore? That people's opinions don't affect you now? That you were "new" Harper now. I guess that was a lie. And wasn't your Dad living with you before, or was that a lie too? What's a lie and what's the truth? Do even you know the difference?" Adam asks. My heart thuds in my chest. I messed up big time and now I don't know how to fix it. This isn't like my mess ups from last year; those didn't matter. But I care about Adam too much now to walk away.

Adam pounces on me in my silence. "Well? Do you have anything to say or did we really have so little that this doesn't matter?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"So am I, Harper. So am I."

We've reached Degrassi by now and Adam walks away and goes to sit on the steps. It's cold out and I feel like I should tell him to go inside. Especially since I still have his hoodie from the other day. But we're past that now. Very far past that. So I walk away.

I'm almost home when I feel my cell phone vibrating in my coat pocket. I have a feeling about what the message is going to say and who it's from and I hope it's not true. But when I flip it open, there it is in black lettering across the screen.

**This isn't working. I think we need a break. Sorry.**

**-Adam **

I can't even blame him for this because it's all my fault. All I can do is walk up the stairs, my feet dragging, and walk right through my empty apartment, locking the door behind me before collapsing into bed.

A/N

Out of the current sophomores, (Wesley, Adam, Clare, Alli, etc) who do you think has the most chance of being valedictorian in 2013? Just curious. If you have an opinion on this, include it in your reviews.

Reviews would be cool…just saying.


	20. Chapter 21

_3 weeks later_

It's been almost 3 weeks since Adam and I broke up. I've barely spoke to him even though I see him at school daily. I don't even sit with Eli, Clare and him at lunch anymore because it feels weird; they were his friends first, after all. Clare has made it clear that I'm more than welcome to sit there. I told her that I was fine. And in a way, I am.

I now sit with Wesley, Connor and Dave. They're the only sophomores that I know that don't irritate me. It's not so bad. Usually only Wesley is sitting there because Dave is off trying to climb the social ladder and Connor's in the computer lab, playing some game. But Wesley and I have interesting conversations. We're both in the same Math and science classes, so when I make awkward jokes about algorithms and radioisotopes, he always laughs.

James has surprisingly managed to befriend Anya Macpherson, Riley Stavros, and Zane Park, so he sits with them. Some days I'll go sit there and bring Wesley along. It makes him happy to be around Anya, so that makes me feel like a good person. Even if his affection isn't reciprocated. All in all, school isn't that bad without Adam.

I wish I could say the same for after school, though. At school, I don't have time to think about Adam or why we aren't together anymore and how it's all my fault. I'm too busy trying to not get shot into remedial English and keeping James from showing up drunk. But when I don't have something distracting me, all of those thoughts come rushing back. If I could go back, I wouldn't say those things or fought about stupid, insignificant people. But I did and I shouldn't have.

I hate it when I'm wrong.

The Vegas Night Dance is in a couple of days and I went out and got a dress anyway. Not with Jenna, Alli, and Clare, which I felt kind of bad about, but on my own. It's a dark pink strapless thingy and I'm pretty sure it was supposed to hit a few inches above the knee but on me it hits mid-thigh. But it doesn't look too skanky… I think. I'm going alone, but that doesn't matter. I'm not crazy about dances anyhow. I just felt that I should go to at least one dance at my new school and I convinced Adam to blow off that Hoedown thing because I didn't want to look like a moron in some cow patterned clothing.

Now, I'll just be some moron is possibly slutty dress, who's all alone. And it's no one's fault but my own.

No. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to hide. I'm going to stand up for what I know can be fixed.

This has gone on for too long. It's really simple; I just have to complicate it. Right now, today, I'm going to talk to Adam after art. Even if we haven't spoken at all and he sits across the room and comes into classes way before the bell rings just to avoid me, I'm going to talk to him. I will.

O

O

O

O

O

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Art

It's now or never. There Adam is, sitting alone at a table in the back. It's sort of sad to see him all alone. I managed to join another group of partners and work as a trio, but Adam's all alone. Even if people are okay with his little 'situation', they aren't necessarily ready to go out on a limb for him. Hell, I barely am. But just him and the way he makes me feel is worth it. So now, it's time to un-screw it up.

The bell rings and everyone rushes to leave. Except for me and Adam, of course. He's staying just to avoid me and I'm not letting him. The class clears out and soon it's only us and Mrs. Dawes, who is to busy putting away books to realize we're still there. I take a few deeps breaths as the impenetrable silence drags on. Aside from that, there's no activity or movement from either of us.

Adam's face is stark white from fear of the conversation that awaits us the minute we leave. He's frozen. He'll never move with out something, or someone, forcing him to. So I up the stakes.

"I can sit here for as long as you can." My voice is clear and easy to hear, but Mrs. Dawes still doesn't acknowledge us. I look down at my lap, slightly embarrassed for putting him in this position. For putting both of us in it. Just as I'm struggling for something to say that would fix this, Adam jumps up and dashes out the door.

"Shit." I mumble. As I grab my stuff, I notice Mrs. Dawes's eyes are on me. I meet her gaze and she stays silent. But as I run out the door in an attempt to catch Adam, she turns away.

Weird. Oh, and joy, Adam's gone.


End file.
